Grief takes many forms. While it is often linked to the death of a loved one, family members of older adults with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia can experience a very different kind of loss.
One we see often in memory care is ambiguous grief.
This is the grief that comes when someone is physically present but psychologically absent. A spouse may still sit at the dinner table, yet their words, memories, or recognition of loved ones fade. These feelings can be deeply painful and confusing.
At The Village at Rancho Solano in Fairfield, California, we work closely with those facing this emotional challenge and provide both care for residents and monthly support groups for family caregivers.
What Is Ambiguous Grief?
Researcher and author Pauline Boss identified this form of grief and explained its unique challenges:
“Because of the ambiguity, loved ones can’t make sense out of their situation and emotionally are pulled in opposite directions — love and hate for the same person, acceptance and rejection of their caregiving role, affirmation and denial of their loss.”
This type of grief is common when caring for someone with cognitive decline. The person is still alive, but the relationship has changed in ways that can feel like a loss. Unlike other forms of grief, there is no clear ending to begin the healing process.
Common Ambiguous Grief Symptoms
It can be difficult to recognize the signs of ambiguous grief. Emotional experiences vary, but many caregivers describe:
- Feeling guilty for resenting caregiving duties while loving the person they care for
- Experiencing sadness without a specific event or date to mark the loss
- Difficulty making future plans because of ongoing uncertainty
- Pull between accepting the changes and hoping for recovery
- Feeling isolated because others may not understand their grief
Recognizing ambiguous grief symptoms is the first step toward finding the right support.
Types of Ambiguous Loss
Ambiguous loss is not limited to memory loss or dementia. It can occur in many situations where a loved one is no longer fully present in the way they once were. These situations often make closure difficult.
Some examples include:
- Physical absence with psychological presence: When a person is missing due to military deployment, natural disaster, or estrangement, but is still alive in your thoughts.
- Psychological absence with physical presence: Common in Alzheimer’s or brain injury, when the person’s personality or abilities have changed significantly.
- Chronic illness: Conditions that change a person’s abilities over time, such as Parkinson’s or a stroke.
- Addiction or mental illness: When a loved one’s behaviors or choices create distance in the relationship.
Understanding these types of ambiguous losses can help family members recognize their feelings and seek the right coping strategies.
Why Ambiguous Grief Is So Difficult
Unlike a sudden loss, ambiguous grief can stretch over months or years. Family members often feel emotionally drained by the ongoing changes. It is important to remember that this form of grief is a natural reaction to a very real situation.
Caregivers may struggle with:
- Ongoing stress from constant changes in the loved one’s abilities
- Feeling “stuck” in the grieving process
- Guilt over feelings of frustration or emotional distance
- Reduced social interaction due to care demands
Over time, these feelings can lead to prolonged grief if not addressed.
Coping Skills for Ambiguous Grief
While this grief may never completely resolve until the loss of a loved one, there are ways to cope with ambiguous loss:
- Seek support groups to connect with others experiencing similar emotions
- Spend time on personal hobbies and self-care to maintain balance
- Talk to grief counselors who understand this type of loss
- Set realistic expectations for your loved one’s care and condition
- Focus on the present rather than what the relationship once was
Coping with ambiguous grief is not about forgetting the past but finding ways to adapt and preserve your well-being.
How Senior Living Can Help
Many families find relief when their loved one moves into a senior living community that provides specialized memory care. This support allows family members to shift from being a primary caregiver to being an encouraging presence in their loved one’s life.
At The Village at Rancho Solano, our Connections program focuses on maintaining engagement, routine, and dignity for older adults with dementia. We also offer monthly support groups and resources for grief counseling for seniors. This partnership can help families cope with grief while ensuring quality care for their loved one.
FAQ: Explaining Other Types of Grief
What is anticipatory grief?
This grief begins before an actual death occurs. Caregivers may mourn future changes while still providing care.
What is disenfranchised grief?
This occurs when the loss is not recognized or validated by others. Family members may feel overlooked or unsupported.
What is complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder?
Prolonged grief lasts for months or years, interfering with daily life. It often requires professional counseling.
What is secondary loss grief?
This grief encompasses the additional changes that follow a primary loss, such as loss of income or changes to one’s home.
What is collective or community grief?
Shared grief is experienced by a group, such as a community mourning a tragedy.
What is cumulative grief?
Grief from multiple losses that occur close together creates a heavier emotional burden.
What is instrumental vs. intuitive grief?
Instrumental grief focuses on action and problem-solving, while intuitive grief is more openly emotional. Both are valid ways to process loss.
Finding Grief Support in Solano County
If you are caring for someone who is no longer the person you once knew, know that you are not alone. Solano County offers senior grief counseling and support through health care agencies, hospitals, churches, therapists, and community groups.
For those seeking ongoing care, assisted living and memory care communities like The Village at Rancho Solano provide both professional services and a network of understanding peers and staff.
Managing grief in seniors is an essential part of maintaining mental and emotional well-being. The grieving process is not the same for everyone, but having the right resources can make a meaningful difference.
Final Thoughts: Don’t Face Ambiguous Grief Alone
The Village at Rancho Solano is here to help families navigate the changes that come with dementia and Alzheimer’s care. We offer grief counseling for seniors, monthly support groups, and personalized care that allows you to focus on meaningful moments with your loved one.
Contact us today to learn how we can support you.
